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My UAE Visit 2003

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My City : Barnala

My Country : India

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Fun
 
Bookmarks on this page:
Letters of Recommendations
Acronyms / Abbreviations
Windows - Hindi Version
Future Indian Movies on IT World
email Sermon
Jokes
Humor Lines
Are not you a Computer Addict?
 
 

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four." Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?"

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

(www.australiandesi.com)

 
 
Letters of Recommendations
Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee?

Here are a few suggested phrases:

For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."

For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."

For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
"I need not to say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."

For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."
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Somebody has suggested following acronyms/abbreviations to redefine companies as follows..
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  1. INFOSYS            : Inferior Offline Systems
  2. WIPRO              : Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output
  3. HCL                : Hidden Costs & Losses
  4. TCS                : Totally Confusing Solutions
  5. C-DOT              : Coffee During Office Timings
  6. HUGHES     	      : Highly Useless Graduates Hired for  Eating and Sleeping
  7. BAAN               : Beggars Association and Nerds
  8. IBM                :  Implicitly Boring Machines
  9. SATYAM             : Sad And Tired Yelling Away Madly
 10. PARAM              : Puzzled And Ridiculous Array of  Microprocessors
 11. HP                 : Hen Pecked
 12. AT&T               : All Troubles & Terrible
 13. CMC                : Coffee, Meals and Comfort
 14. DEC                : Drifting & Exhausted Computers
 15. BFL                : Brainwash First, and Let them go
 16. DELL               : Deplorable Equipment & Lackluster
 17. TISL               : Totally Inconsistent Systems Ltd
 18. PSI                : Peculiar Symptoms of India
 19. PCL                :  Poor Computers Ltd
 20. SPARC              : Simply Poor And Redundant Computers
 21. SUN                : Surely Useless Novelties
 22. CRAY               : Cry Repeatedly After an Year
 23. TUL                : Troubles Un Limited
 24. CTS                : Coffee, Tea and Snacks
 25. ICIM               : Impossible Computers In Maintenance
 26. BPL                : Below Poverty Line.
 27. NIIT               : Not Interested in IT
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Win - Hindi Version 
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As you would be aware, Microsoft has announced its intentions
to launch Windows in Hindi. The following are some of the features 
and commands, which will help you in mastering this version.

ATISUKSHMA MULAYAM KHIDKIYAAN  - AVRUTTI PICCHAANVEY
Microsoft Windows - version 95)
Karyalaya Sattanvey (Office 97) will contain:
1. AtiSukshma Mulayam Shabda Cheh (MS Word6)
2. AtiSukshma Mulayam ShaktiBindu (MS Powerpoint)
3. Pravesh ki Sammati (Access)
4. Lombdigisi (lomiree) mein Maahir (FoxPro)
5. Nazaaraa C adhik hi adhik (Visual C++)
6. Kamal ke Rupiye (Lotus Notes)
7. Taaron ke Jaal ka Sanshhodhak (Internet Explorer)

Some of the common commands and messages will be as follows:
1.     Phaail = File
2.     Bachao = Save
3.     Aise Bachao = Save as
4.     Subko Bachao = Save All
5.     Mujhe Bachao = Help
6.     Dhoondo = Find
7.     Firse Dhoondo = Find Again
8.     Hilao = Move
9.     Dak = Mail
10.    Dakiya = Mailer
11.    Paas se dhekho = Zoom
12.    Door se dhekho = Zoom Out
13.    Kholo = Open
14.    Band Karo = Close
15.    Naya = New
16.    Purana = Old
17.    Badli Karo = Replace
18.    Bhaago = Run
19.    Chaapo = Print
20.    Dekh Ke Chaapo = Print Preview
21.    Nakal Utaaro = Copy
22.    Kaato = Cut
23.    Chipkao = Paste
24.    Khaas Chipkao = Paste Special
25.    Khatam Karo = Delete
26.    Nazaara = View
27.    Hatyaar = Tools
28.    Hatyaar Khamba = Toolbar
29.    Khuli Chaadar = Spreadsheet
30.    Baahar niklo = Exit
31.    Ped = Tree
32.    Thoonso = Compress
33.    Chooha = mouse
34.    Tik Karo = Click
35.    Tik-Tik Karo = Double Click
36.    Idhar-se-Udhar = Forward
37.    Khamba = Scrollbar
38.    Ghusne ki Agya Nahin = Access Denied
39.    Saadharan Suraksha mein Gadbad = G(General Protection fault)
40.    Is Karyakram ne Gairkanooni Kaam Kiya Hai 
	= This Program has performed an illegal operation
41.    Chhodo, Duwaara Koshish Karo, Dhayan Mat do?
        = Abort,Retry or Ignore?
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Future Movies in IT world
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Mera hardisk tumhare paas hai
Aao chat kare
Programmer no 1
Aaj ka body shopper
Programmer,recruiter aur bodyshoper
Badalate platforms
Kahani Keyboard ki
Memory aur hard disk
H1 ko aane do
Mouse ka gulam
Java wale job le jayenge
Skill apana apana
Hum aapke meomory mein rahate hain
Do pocessor barah terminal
Password Apana Apana
Hum Hai Programmer Oracle ke
Ek programmer do body shopper
H1 se Citizenship tak
Mera code chal gaya
Har Din jo mail Karega
Mera Resume Kora kagaj
Khel Virus ka
Virus Aur Antivirus
Programmer bane Bodyshopper
Network Ke Ush Paar
Billing aur Salary
Platform platform ki baat hai
Anjaana Bug
Aayi Production Ki Bela
Do Gateways
Debugging koi Khel nahi
Helpdesk ki Aatma (Ramasay brothers ki Horror film)
Mera naam developer
Kaho na Bench hai
Crash kar di aaapne
Mein backup lunga
Pati patni aur computer
Deployment ki raat
Hum WALK-IN ja chuke sanam
Dhai akshar HRD ke
Jis Desh mein Bill(gates) rahata Hain
Hum To US jaayega
Aa ab KUCH KAAM kare
Raju ban gaya IT MAN..!
Dekhte Dekhte Connection mil Gaya
Ish Bench ki subah kab hogi
Client ek numbari PROGRAMMER Dus Nambari
Tere Cube Ke saamne
Login karo sajana
Sapane Stock Option Ke
Ek Thi vacancy
Client ko milane de
Interview ke Sapane
Naukar PC ka
Email dena sanam
Mera Resume Mera Skill
Hackers ke Site par Hacker
Experience Bina H1
Firewall( Diwar)
Meri debugging
Jis Desh mein Deshi kam karata hain
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Top

Email Sermon

Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.

Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.

Thou shalt not forward any chain letter (but this one will surely do!).

Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.

Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.

When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

And, here's the "Golden Rule" of e-mail: That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.  

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JOKES

 

A person doing self-SWOT analysis:

Strength is my wife;

Weakness is my neighbor's wife;

Opportunity is when neighbor is on tour;

Threat is when I am on tour.

 

Sardar Singh was very keen on doing his Ph.D. He was in search of a subject on which no one did any research before! As he was thinking over it, he found a cockroach on the table in from of him. He decided instantly to do a research on the roach. He picked the roach and put it in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The roach ran. He pulled out one leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The roach ran. He pulled one more leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The roach ran. This way the roach tried to run even when it had just one leg. He pulled last leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The roach could not! Our Professor was satisfied with his study and started writing his thesis: "When you pull out all the legs of a roach, it cannot hear anymore".

 

Santa : What is ANOTHER difference between a MOSQUITO and a FLY? Banta : A FLY can FLY but a MOSQUITO cannot MOSQUITO! Santa : Tell me five FERROCIOUS animals you can think of...
Banta : 3 Lions and 2 Tigers.

Santa Singh was walking on the road and paused to read the graffiti on the wall. It read 'Padne waala gadha.'
(one who reads this is an ass)

Santa Singh sat on a nearby bench, and after much thought erased it and wrote 'Likhne waala Ghadah'. (One who wrote this is an ass)

The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. 

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she says, "I am rechecking my answers."

 

Do You Have The Time?

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination.  He decided to stop at the next city he
came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep.  As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose
happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes.  No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking
on his window.  He looked out and saw a jogger running in place. "Yes?" "Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"  The
man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."  The jogger said thanks and left.  The man settled back again, and was just
dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left.  Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time
before another one disturbed him.  To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do
not know the time!"  Once again he settled back to sleep.  He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!"

Laloos family planning policy.."DONT HAVE MORE THAN TWO CHILDREN IN ONE YEAR"

Once Laloo was coming out of Airport.As there was huge rush the security guard told Laloo "WAIT PLEASE" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs" and moved on...

 

At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." And the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE." The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"

Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."

 

 

Easy to guess I guess !!
******************************
An ant knocks the door of a house. House owner opens the door.
"I want a place to stay", said the ant .
"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free of cost", said the
owner.  Ant went inside and occupied that vacant room.

After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested the owner "Can
you please allow this ant to stay along with me".
"Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent" said the owner.

After some days the ant brought one more ant and requested
the owner to allow that ant to stay with it. Owner agreed to it without
asking for any rent.

This continued on i.e ant brings in one more ant each day and owner
agrees to it.

On one fine day, the ant brought in a tenth ant and requested the owner to
allow that tenth ant also to stay with it.
The owner said "Ok, you all can stay here but you need to pay rent".

Now the question is Why did the owner ask for rent when the
tenth ant came in?

Because they are now Tenants!!!!

 

 

 

Salary Expected:Yes

Mr Singh was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled name, age, address etc. Then he came to the column "Salary Expected". He was not sure what to write there. After much thought he wrote : Yes.

 

Illiterate Banta

Banta Singh went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"
"Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!"
"Oh! How nice it would be ," said Banta with joy, "I have been illiterate for so long."

Laloo Yadav: Single

At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." And the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE." The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"

Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."

 

Laloo: Just a Second

Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and Las Vegas..So he called up the Tourist department and asked them "Ji..could you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas...". The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.

 

Rest in Peace

A new business was opening and one of the owner`s friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said 'Rest in Peace'. The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. 'Sir, I`m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'

Tables not allowed

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?

CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

 

Generic Water

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?

SARAH: 'HIJKLMNO'!! TEACHER: What are you talking about?

SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

 

My Dog is smarter

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dos is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : "I know..." First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me."

 

Niagra Falls.

Guide: I welcome you all to the Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high that the sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard!
Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls.

The phone rang in the obituary department of the local newspaper.
'How much does it cost to have an obituary printed'? asked miser Santa Singh.
'It's 50 Rupees a word, sir,' the clerk replied politely.
'Fine,' said Santa Singh after a moment. 'Okay then, write this down: 'Banta - dead'.'
'That's all?' asked the clerk disbelievingly.
'That's it.'
'I'm sorry sir, I should have told you - there's a five word minimum.'
'Yes, you should've,' snapped the Santa. Now let me think a minute... okay, here goes: Banta dead. Maruti for Sale.'

Banta Singh was walking on the road and paused to read the graffiti on the wall. Itread "Parne wala gadha". Santa Singh thought for an hour, erased and wrote back "likhene waala gadha

Q: SOMEONE ASKED IF A sardarji BELIEVED IN SMOKING.
A: He said "Yes, I've seen it done."

Q: A sardarji ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in
six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Santa Singh with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?" "The scoundrel called back."

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Santa Singh, Banta Singh and Ghanta Singh. Ghanta falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Banta says, "Someone should go and tell his wife about the tragedy!"
Santa says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, Santa Singh comes back waving a 500-Rupee note. Banta says, "Where did you get that five hundred bucks, Santa?"
"Ghanta's wife gave it to me!"
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the 500 rupees?"
Santa says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Ghanta Singh's widow.' She said, "'No, I'm not a widow." And I said, "Want to bet me 500 rupees?"  

Top

Humor Lines

Love thy neighbor. But don't get caught. 
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man there are two. 
Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life. 
Wise never marry. and when they marry they become otherwise. 
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives. 
Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa. 
One should love animals. They are so tasty. 
Love everybody. Love every body. 
Save water. Shower with your friend. 
Never put off the work till tomorrow. What you can put off today.
Top
STUPID QUESTIONS
 
10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations and some equally stupid answers:-
1.  At the movies:  When you meet acquaintances/friends
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing  here?  
Answer:-Well,it's so hot, there were no cool  cabs so I 
thought I'd watch some advertisements in the cool comfort of the  theatre.

2.  In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes 
steps on your feet
Stupid Question:-Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local  anesthesia..... why don't
 you try again or should I try this time.

3.  At a funeral:  One of the teary-eyed people ask
Stupid Question:-Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-Why? Would it rather have been you?

4.  At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-Is the "blah blah blah" dish  good
Answer:-No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. 
We occasionally also spit in it.

5.  At a family get-together. When some distant aunt meets 
you after years
Stupid Question:-Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:-Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6.  When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask 
Stupid Question:-Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:-No, he's a miserable wife-beating,  insensitive lout
...it's just the money. 

7.  When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call
Stupid Question:-Sorry. were you sleeping.
Answer:-No. I was playing cricket for India at Sharjah and 
just when you called Salim Malik was betting with me that 
Pakistan would win. What do you think?

8.  When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair
Stupid Question:-Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:-No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9.  At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your 
mouth
Stupid Question:-Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:-And while I'm telling you , you tell me if I bite.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks
Stupid Question:-Oh, so you smoke
Answer:-No, it's a miracle ...........it was a  chalk and 
now it's in.

Top

 
Are not you a computer addict?

OK, everyone knows a few people who are addicts.

No, I'm not talking about drugs.

Nope, I'm not talking about alcohol either.

I'm talking about the person in your life who has become a total computer geek!

Here are the top 10 signs
that you are becoming an
internet addict!

 

You check your mail. It says "No new messages". So you check it again.

boxbend_md_wht.gif (9962 bytes)

When someone asks for your address, you give them your URL.

You see something funny and say "LOL".

The TV is broken...and you don't even care.

Your dog or cat has its own home page.

You have nightmares in HTML, with animated GIFS.

You don't know the gender of half of your closest friends
because you never bothered to ask.

Your spouse makes a new rule: "The laptop cannot come to bed."

You use :) in documents at work or school.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

 

"COMPUTERS - MALE OF FEMALE"

 

A French teacher was explaining to her College class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

House is feminine "la maison." Pencil is masculine "le crayon."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups-male and female-and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computer) because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. 

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (le computer) because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. 

 

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